My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think your dad took our porno
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
