btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
