The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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