I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
