WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
