The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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