K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
