I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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