It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
