Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize