I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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