Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize