dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
