i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
