my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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