hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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