I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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