I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
