remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
