I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
