OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
