Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
