So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
