When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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