fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
