Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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