just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
