You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So vagazzling was a success
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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