trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
