she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
