Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
