did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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