I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
