I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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