Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
