The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We have started to decorate penises.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
