Soap is not a condiment
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
