I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
