Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
