Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
