Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
