3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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