Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
