Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
