the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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