The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
