I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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