did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
