God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
