Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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