Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
