fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
