apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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