shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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