guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
