I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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