Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
