gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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