I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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