and she was petting her beer can
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
